Wednesday, March 31, 2010

O N L Y M E


Ive been going back and forth to the hospital for a few days, taking care of my dad. He's getting better but still im quite worried that his blood pressure will rise again. For now all i could do is just pray to God.

I've been...distracted.

Just today, my boyfriend pointed out that my words are very much, well, different now. Not in a good way. Fact is, that very same realization has been slowly dawning on me for the past month or so, but my stubborn self has been rather damn ignorant to every bloody thing that has gone wrong with me now. Denial is increasingly a virtue I hold dear, not that I gladly choose to, but rather I've been constantly fearing the thought that I don't fucking know what to do with myself. Let's put it on straight up ego; the need for me to say I know how to toe the line, and that I believe in myself enough to not cross it. Which is plain bullshit, really.

This is definitely not how I imagined getting-my-life-back-on-track to be.

Or maybe I'm just not accustomed to the evolved dynamics of things yet. A seemingly promising idea at first glance, the unending streak of overwhelming madness, yet as you get drawn in, you'll be quick to realize that the appeal lies very shallow; only on its mere surface. Dig deeper, and all you'll discover is that change, is never easy. Not even close.

Even more terribly so when it starts messing with your battered conscience, or what's left of its fucking sorry state. I guess i just dont love myself enough .

Im seriously in need of help in sorting out my self emotion issues. Damn i wish you were here MUHAMMAD SYAZRIQ .

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